Everything's Fucked up!

I dunno why I'm feeling angry..for no reason..

For a moment I feel like screaming my head off, the next I feel like crying my heart out...The slightest thing ticks me off and at the moment, my victim is suami. PMS? maybe..apparently your body goes haywire after you've given birth, your hormones are erratic..

How far true is that? I don't give a shit to find out the actual fact..all I know is I'm feeling like shit right now.

There has been numerous times when I hear jokes..i try laughing..but it came out so fake. There are times when I hear some juicy gossip..but I end up being a party pooper by giving a different point of view..to the point where I defend the person being gossiped..eventho I don't know jack about him/her..

I feel numb..most of the times..The rest of the times..I'm just fake...

Is this how you feel when you lose a child?Or is this how depression feels like?

Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look, I see babies..shopping malls, advertisements on TV, pictures on FB, emails announcing the birth of a newborn..What hurts the most is when the friends who were pregnant at about the same time as I was...sharing pictures of their newborns..putting up status about what their babies are doing..That should've been me too...

I'm crying alone in public right now. Ppl must think I'm crazy..typing this and crying at the same time..I don't know what to do..I don't know who to turn to..I don't know who can make me laugh and truly mean it..I don't know how to feel happy anymore..

Sometimes I can't believe that this is happening to me.I'm confused and sometimes feel lost in my own thoughts..not sure of my own reality.

I'm looking forward for the day when I read this again and say.."I survived it"...but right now, I honestly don't know how I can..I don't even know what to do if I can't..I'm just stuck here..

I hate it when ppl talk about theirs or other ppl's childbirth experience..how some ppl 'nearly' lost their baby..how similar situations like mine, were able to save the baby in just the nick of time..SHUT THE FUCK UP! My baby did not make it and you guys telling me all these shit stories is only making me feel like shit! Making me think 'what if' when thinking that will only drive me nuts!And quit telling me what I should've done or shouldn't!

My baby DIED..nothing you say OR do can ever bring him back!

And quit blaming the doctor or the hospital..it's got nothing to do with them! He's DEAD..Don't you get it?????????????Don't ask why..don't ask how! It's what god want me to go through! If you want to know why then you can might as well ask Him YOURSELF!

If you ask me how I am..This is EXACTLY how I am doing..