I don't know why..but everytime this song comes on air..it takes me back. Back in the days when I have NO IDEA where I found the energy to live the way I used to!
Sometimes I miss the old days...all the partying and the lifestyle that came with it. But sometimes when I think back of what I used to do...I say to myself..
"How in the HELL did I ever find the courage to embarrass myself like that in public????"
Because (no puns intended) today, when I go out to HRC or someplace of the sort and see someone acting very much similar to how I used to act in these kind of places..I feel embarrassed for her. Having all eyes on you, dancing without a care in the world, dressing and acting the way they do..I think you get what I mean..how does she do it? What is going through her mind?
Damn! I am OLD! and judgemental. I mean..am not judging that girl I saw..but judging my own self.
So I came to a conclusion..Back in the day, I had no one nor a reputation to risk. I was a nobody and was either single or with someone who's in the same boat as I am. In a way, although I don't totally agree with my previous actions and activities, I have to admire my self confidence. To dress and act the way I did....
Today, as a wife and soon a mother, I am careful with what I wear, say or do. I have my husband's reputation to think of..my status as someone's wife. In a way, I think I have lost most of that self-confidence I used to have (being 16kgs more that I used to be doesn't help either)..But I have also discovered that I am more content with my life. I don't feel lost as I so often felt before. I am at peace with myself.
I may not be able to fit into most of the stuffs I have in my closet ever again (which also means a NEW WARDROBE???!!?!?)
I may not be the heart of the party anymore
I may not be that girl dancing on the table ever again
But I am happy....
I have a husband who accepted who I was and still loves me for who I am...
And soon..a child who will love me no matter what..
Nothing beats that....