I Don't Have Passion

Just realized this fact about myself..I never do anything wholeheartedly...ikhlas..tapi tak sepenuh hati...

Am having a very sleepy day at the office today. So have been browsing through everyone's pictures (facebook la..ape lagi). Looking at Beeps..all the way there in Sydney. Doing her Masters, frantically telling me "Shaaaaaaa...aku rasa nak balik mesia je after first day" coz apparently..it's a tough course. Although I know she only needed someone to hear her out..I know she can do it. No matter how hard it is..she will make it..

Because she has passion...

Sorry Beeps if I tell this story without your permission, but please know that I'm only telling it because I am so proud of you.

Beeps messed up her first year in Uni..Really messed up..thank god UM was not like UTM (Universiti Tendang Menendang) she barely survived second year too (mind you..I was in the same boat too!) But come third year..something happened to her...Passion..She started to ace all her papers to the extend that even the lecturers were surprised. From a student with a pointer below 1.0, Beeps graduate 3.07 (*correct me if salah k babe). She is currently employed by UMS and is sent to Sydney (full Scholarship) to continue her Masters so she can one day become UMS's lecturer. *her students won't have a chance to tipu her..she can say been there done that because SHE HAS been there, done that*

You see..I am a VERY smart girl (bukan niat nak membongkak)..I can study the night before a paper, not knowing a single shit I did the whole semester and pass the exam the next day. But there lies the problem...I passed...For a VERY smart girl..I should've EXCELLED...

Are we all born with passion or do you instill it? Let's assume that we're born with a little passion..

I was the best student in my town at the age of 12. Gave me my ticket to continue my studies in the best all-girls boarding school in Malaysia - Tunku Kurshiah College. My parents got divorced when I was 11, mom re-married immediately..I was broken hearted and a little bit confused. Home was not home coz I didn't even have one (was moving about so much). So school was all I had. Actually, I didn't study that much..I just had greaat teachers.

Went to boarding school..I think TKC saved me. God knows what I would've become if I were to go to a normal day-school with a household I had at that time. No one paid attention to me. I was a nobody. My parents were nobody, I was nothing special either..everyone there was just as smart or maybe smarter with parents who were somebody..or at least parents who paid attention to their kids. I was alone. Whether I like it or not there..I have to survive..I don't have anywhere else to go..

First year was awkward..2nd year was plain cruel but I have good friends and the person I want to thank the most for making my TKC experience priceless is Dektutt..my oh-so-blur deskmate who was confused when the other girls asked her "Macam mana kau boleh tahan dgn Sasha?" because she said "Nak tahan ape?" Aku sayang kau Dektutt..for just being you..

Politics in TKC was vicious...you can say it's a girls thing...

I made it big in 3rd year...I joined the right thing and played the right sports. Mom was surprised I could even play a sport....."Boleh ke kau ni? Lembik semacam je aku tgk" I was the school Basketball player and athelete..for one of the best team in Seremban at that time..I even made it as House-games Captain in Form 5. This coming from someone my mom thought was lembik.

Form 5..graduation dinner...mom came for the ceremony, then left because she did not want to be face-to-face with my dad..dad stayed for dinner..Rewind back a month prior to the dinner..
"Syahira, mak dan ayah kamu ni nak letak meja macam mana?" one of the teachers asked. She knew my parents were divorced..I said "Tak tahu..meja lain2 la kot"...

I was heartbroken that night..it was my graduation dinner...everyone else had their parents and siblings fussing over them..I was trying to digest the happenings of the night..hearing hate statements coming from my parents about the other.

I scored my SPM..got offered to go to the BEST local university in the Country..Universiti Malaya.

You see..no one back home ever bothered to find out what happened to me in school. All they knew was that I was in school..no need to worry. But they didn't worry to the extend that they didn't even care if I was ok or not, if I was doing well or not..I practically failed every single subject during school. God knows how I actually scored my SPM. I think that was peer pressure.

The same scenario in UM. Maybe even worse. They have the nerve to question why I took so long to graduate...did they even know what was happening to me when I was there? Thank goodness I had study loan. But that was only enough to pay for the tuition fees and accomodation. What about food? I was juggling my study and work schedule. I was with Starbucks for 4 years..sacrificing weekends and public holidays and term break..to work. My only means of income for my food and whatever else I needed for school. Had friends using their loan/scholarship money to get that new handphone or that new pair of jeans...I had to spend wisely so I don't end up starving.

I did finally graduated..the last one in my class to do so. So I was alone. I put my feet down to my parents saying I can only bring 2 persons into the hall when I graduate..and only Mama n Babah can be there. They haven't met each other in a while. They were divorced about 15 years ago and both have a new life..They refused to talk to each other that day let alone sit beside each other in the hall..It broke my heart..again..

I guess that's why I don't have any passion left. My heart is so broken that all that's left for me is just to survive. Quite often I get lost in myself not knowing what I want for myself. I only know how to please other people..and only survive. Being selfish sometimes...is only a part of me surviving..

So to those people who i've hurt when I was being selfish...I'm sorry..I had to...

To those of you who helped me survive..Thank you! You know who you are and only god could ever repay you...

Can I buy passion?