Anyway..am not here to talk about work...That little voice in my head is nagging again! (am I going nuts??)
Whoever said that motherhood is bliss must be either filthy rich (to be able to afford all the help she needs) or is superwoman (to be able to have all that energy to do it by herself)!! Call it post-partum depression or just plain exhaustion..but I sure don't see the bliss in any of it!
From the day that I went into labor up until today, I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep..In between the feeding that the baby needs and the breast engorgement that just keeps you awake until you express the milk, I'm surprised I can still go to work or even function. I am not being ungrateful or anything..if anything I am considered the lucky few for being blessed with such a good baby. Keisha sleeps through the night most of the time and my mom is the world most amazing mother EVER for helping me raise Keisha! But I'm just saying..I can't do this motherhood thing alone..
It's not that I've never had any respect for mothers out there, but to actually be wearing the shoes of a mother right now...I have a new found respect for those who has more than one child and working at the same time..How do you do it? Where do you get all the strength to do it all?? The sleepless nights..the aching body..the workload..the cleaning and cooking..Masya Allah!!
I cried through most of the days when I was in confinement..It began when I was learning to breastfeed Keisha. A painful and VERY trying experience..Then when she had jaundice..the crying got worse..on top of the pain I was going through (post labor pain, sore breasts & nipples, lack of sleep) seeing Keisha under the UV light was not helping either..my heart just ached seeing her like that. I was also having a hard time feeding her because if she is not fully satiated, she won't settle under the UV light and if she doesn't get 'UVed' her jaundice won't reduce. There was a time that it took me 2 hours to feed her and yet she was STILL not satisfied! I had to call the nurse for help and I was crying my eyes out from the pain and exhaustion..
Keisha under the UV light.
She might look like she's in a cute position, but it was heartbreaking seeing her that way.
Keisha was hospitalized for jaundice for 5 days......it was also 5 days of tears for me...
Then when she finally got discharged, we couldn't go home. The house was still under renovations (which took 2 months to complete instead of 1 month as promised by the contractor) so we had to stay at my in laws for a bit..That led to more 'trying' moments for me..I didn't feel settled being in someone else's home and all. So my mom and I decided to bring Keisha and I back to Kuantan.
Kuantan was a welcoming comfort to me because I felt like I was home..but it also meant that I had to be away from suami..We stayed in Kuantan for 2 weeks that decided to just brave the house with constructions and all...By then the contractors only needed to fix in the kitchen cabinets and change the doors in the house. It was still dusty and noisy, but I didn't care. I've had enough of staying at someone else's house. That too took 2 more weeks to complete..
Blissful motherhood for me eh?
But it is getting easier..Now that the house is up and running, being home, getting much more comfortable and better in b/feeding Keisha..It's not so bad..
But I am still tired. So tired that I start to have all these stupid and ridiculous thoughts in my head. Now that my maternity leave is over, sleep or no sleep..I still have get to work in the morning. One comfort knowing that Keisha is in safe hands with my mother at home, but am also concerned that my mom is all alone at home. She's not as young as she used to be..
So do I like being a mother or not?
It has its perks..Keisha can see now so she responses to our calls, her gibberish words and smile, even her cries is really heartwarming..it almost wipes out all the pain and ache I'm going through by just looking at her.
But reality is still there..my daughter has TOTALLY changed my life in EVERY aspect. Everything that I used to do, or the life that I used to have is now obsolete. She has taken over everything...and taken me back to square one..Building a new life is not easy.
Therefore I don't have an answer to my question..for now.
But that's what my life is all about for now. Everyone says it gets easier..I'm sure it does..but for now, I kinda feel like I'm at the bottom of the wheel...