Masih Dalam Pantang

The worst part of my whole experience..is being in confinement with nothing to do and no one to talk to...all that's left is just your thoughts of everything if the TV haven't caused me to doze off yet..

Suami knows I'm bored out of my head..there are days that I just cry my heart out..because when I'm bored I think...and when I think I remember..and when I remember I feel that it's my fault and it shouldn't be this way..and when my thoughts go there..I cry...

I don't know why..but sometimes I feel that the last 9 months never happened...that it was all some kind of illusion..9 months of my life was just a dream. The reality now is just the pain and scars from the labor...thinking will i ever feel normal again..Will I ever be able to walk properly again without feeling the pain...

Other women in confinement would be having the best days of their life...nursing the little one..getting people wait on you day and night...visitors..gifts..and husband coming home at the end of the day eager to see the little one. Whatever pain she went through labor is forgotten by just looking at the face..

To me it's torture...although I don't remember what he looks like..I remember how he felt in my arms before sending him away. There is nothing to occupy my time in the day when suami is at work. And when he gets home..seeing him makes me feel so relieved for a while..then it sinks in that he is going through this too..Even worse coz suami remembers more..bathing and putting arwah to his final resting. No father should bury their child.....but he did...and it saddens me so much coz it should've been the happiest moment in his life..in our life..

And i don't know why but there is just too much advertisement on TV that manipulates the viewers with children..no doubt..babies are cute...but it just reminds me of what I have lost.

Sometimes I get scared..I know why god is testing me in such a way..Maybe I deserve it. Like I said before..to give me a chance to try all over again. But I'm scared..will I ever be a mother?Will I ever get that chance?

Not one of my good days today..was denied to be left alone in my own apartment. Scared that something might happen to me. But being in a house with people doesn't mean you don't feel like you're alone. Sometimes it feels much worse...They just don't get it...I need my privacy...I'm in confinement...I'm not crippled..

Suami felt bad not being able to give me what I want. I feel bad coz he felt that way..I can take this pain..all of it..on my own...I'm used to it. But I can't stand it when someone else, especially someone I love have to bear it with me...I want to make it go away for him..just let me handle it..I'm strong enough..I will get through this.Everybody said so...But please not him..I don't want to see him sad...

Siapa kata berpantang best? The only good thing that's coming out of this is the fact that I'm losing so much weight so fast....

*I have better days..today is just not one of it...*